While I was in college, I took an exam for my software engineering class. I completely blanked out and left most of the exam incomplete. When I sat down with my professor to discuss my exam, he was shocked that I did so poorly. (Almost everyone in my class failed, but as he said, "You guys did better than last year's class. Your class average was a 52.) I could tell that he was looking at how I outlined questions so that I could understand what they meant. I had made several diagrams and illustrations to help process my thoughts.
Professor: "Why did you pick the section with the hardest point value? I was actually going to throw those questions out because I only wanted to see how you all would do. You actually got them right, but you didn't do any of the other sections. What happened?"
Me: "I just blanked out. I didn't have enough time."
He continued asking me questions from the exam. When talking the questions through with him, I was able to explain my answers. He could see that I did know what I was doing. He had a pretty good idea what I knew because I had also spent several office hours with him.
Professor: "I don't want to offend you, but I think you really should consider going to the Learning Center so that you can be evaluated. Just so we can maybe see if there are some problems."
The next several months consisted of different types of psychological and learning needs evaluations. The reports that my professors received stated that I had mood disruption. I had a long list of test results that described some of the problems. There were some learning challenges, but the main problem was that I did not know how to balance my stress and think through things. They explained that my mind was on a loop. Anything that I feared triggered anxiety to the point that I would just shut down and not think clearly.
Part of my evaluation required that I have 5 sessions with the college psychiatrist. We talked about my family and the time between high school and returning back to college as an adult student. In high school, I became ill and missed a lot of school. I left public school and homeschooled. I spent about 2 years of high school at home and had very little social interaction with anyone. I attended a private school my senior year and then went right into working. He said that my job as a manager put me in a position where I had to grow up quickly. I was surrounded by people about 20 years older than myself. When I returned to college, I couldn't really find my place because I was with younger adults. Growing up with my mom put me in an environment where I was taught to not trust people and feel like everyone was judging me. I was not permitted to do school activities or go to houses of friends because my mom didn't want to transport me. In many cases, she just didn't like the families of my friends. I was always told that anyone from a higher income family didn't really like me. They were just being nice.
My mom was upset when I was accepted into a top engineering program at our local university. She kept encouraging me to dropout of college. The psychiatrist pointed out that she was insecure about her own career path and achievements. He told me that there was so much paralyzing negativity that I should consider not talking to her. Although I only live about 30 minutes from my mom, I try to spread our communication out over a few weeks at a time. Visits in person are limited to about 2 hours every couple of months.
Here's what I've learned about myself over the last few years:
1. If I fear something, I come up with an excuse to avoid it. If it's something I can't avoid, I automatically have a mindset that I'll fail.
2. I don't trust very many people. I avoid making strong relationships with people because I've had several friendships disappear for unknown reasons.
3. I'm lazy. There are some things that I'll work very hard to complete, but I'm known to prefer a nap over a social engagement.
4. I try to control things and plan how things will work. If I see something not working out the way I want, I avoid it.
5. I focus on everything in the past that I don't like and rarely look at the good things.
6. I want to put 110% into each day rather than worry about everything ahead.
7. I have told myself that I won't have financial success on my own.
